Our future-Sheep rape,Black holes and mar colonies

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We survived the fake apocalypse! No evil black hole from hell has devoured us, no unidentified And non-existent planet has scattered our remains across the galaxy and no evil satanic anti christ has been born...um, well i'm not sure about the last one but-

WE'RE ALIIIIVE! But to prove the apocalypse is soon to come and   in celebration, here's

WEIRD THINGS FROM THE LAST CENTURY

1.A lamb born with a ‘human’ face-

Feel the shame, sheep rapers!


In Turkey, a lamb was born with the face of an ill formed human being with neither eye-sockets nor a real mouth. The local governor released a statement about how embarrassing the news was for his community because, hey, we all know how THAT happened, right?

But, as much as sheep have been alleged to have helped man overcome his sexual cravings throughout history, anyone with a high school diploma (ok, in bio) knows that it is impossible for the sperm of one species to combine with the ovum of another to birth a child. It’s in our DNA. It’s like matching the wrong lock with the wrong key.

So sadly, it wasn’t an alien invasion, human-sheep love child or a case of illegitimate sheep rape.


Just a malformed baby.

2.      Sheep – our next stop for artificial organs-

Feel the shame, sheep killers!

Have you drunk your youth and two kidneys away?

Has drug abuse rotted your heart and addled your brains?

Never fear, Ninja Mutant Sheep to the rescue!

Ok, they’re not Ninjas; I just said that to make it sound cool. But they ARE mutants.

Scientists took a leaf out of H.G.Well’s book, Dr.Moreau, and decided to make chimera sheep with human cells injected between sheep cells. So when organs are transplanted from ninja mutant sheep to humans, they stick good.


In plain language, it means you get faster easier organ transplants without waiting for some poor inebriated teenager to die in a speeding accident. Now PETA has another cause to rabidly oppose.


*This also works for people who have a genuine problem that wasn’t caused by gross irresponsibility.

Chimera are half human, half animals that are a recurring alchemical theme.

And no hate against PETA, but have you SEEN the obvious sublimal messages in their games?

3.      Valid-ish theoretic proof against racism-

Besides being a vampire slayer by night, Abe Lincoln was onto something else that made him cool too

The National Genome Project, which was completed in 2003 A.D, has significantly proven to the world that we, Homo sapiens*, are all descended from one African woman, who has been named Eve. A college lecturer took this one step further to Present the hypothesis that thousands of years ago, we all had the same skin colour. Skin colour is determined by a pigment called Melanin, which acts as a natural sun-block. The more the sun exposure, the more the melanin produced, the darker is the skin. However, when people began migrating to the Great White North (not just Canada), the melanin prevented them from absorbing enough sunlight to make VitaminD. Therefore, they produced less melanin and became ‘white’.


In summation, every stinky old lady who passes a black/Asian/brown person and sticks her nose up to fart in their face, is actually making fun of her own long-lost relative and thereby making fun of her own ancestry. Ain’t that ironic, now?


*Homo sapiens do NOT refer to homosexuals. It’s a term used for human beings. But yes, as our scientific name has the word ‘Homo’, and in pop culture, homo stands for gay, that makes us all a little gay on the inside. Feel the rainbow, babeh!

4.      Inbreeding saved our lives!

In short, a genome is a coding sequence that determines how you look.


Any two humans share 99% of the same genome! Why is that?


The hypothesis is- there was once a tribe of Homo sapiens that lived in Africa many, many millennia ago. These people were forced to move out of their native land (reasons unknown) and came out of ‘Africa’ and began life anew. The tribe, being closed off from the rest of the world, began intermarrying and producing offspring. After generations, nearly everyone in the village was related to everyone else.  Thus, by inbreeding, they ensured that humans wouldn’t go extinct.


In other words, we literally owe our existence to inbreeding.

This also accounts for the fact that there isn’t much   genetic variation in humans as compared to animals.


In other words, THAT’S why many stars like Zoey Deschanel and Katy Perry look alike. Not because their mommas be so loose that they don't carry no change.


So the next time you pass that racist redneck that has three home-schooled kids by his sister-wife, give him a hug. His way of life was the beacon that led to our proliferation which can cause the destruction of the world.


Note- Hugging a man and thanking him for upholding the culture of inbreeding may land you a hard, red-fisted punch to the face…or nuts. Wear protective
gear before attempting said task

5.        Vampires is realz! Twilight For the Win!  Ay Chihuahua!

Okay, fine. It isn’t OFFICIAL that the Chupacabra is an alien, but it sure has the indications of a vampire.

Everyone knows Mr.Chupacabra. He’s the friendly neighbourhood parasite who goes about communicating telepathically with old cat ladies in the day and sucks the blood out of livestock by night.

What’s odd about the case is that though footprints found near the ‘murder’ site (as PETA would call it) are identified as dog’s prints, the bodies display one puncture mark at the neck and no blood in the body.


Sure, an inept local farmer could have started the rumour by thrusting a rod through his goat’s throat and hanging it upside down till its heart pumped out all its blood.

But an alien vampire sounds cooler and attracts young teenage girl tourists.



In other news-


Many an avid, young reader of Twilight has been seen running into the Peruvian woods squealing through snort bubbles, ‘Edward! I’m coming, my vampire love! Sink your sparkly teeth into me!’ never to be seen again.


P.S- Vampire bats, though harmless to humans, are real. They feed off livestock (much like Senor Cabra) and do, in fact, drink blood. See, legends are not always based on lies. So watch out for that dark window in your room. And if you see a mist crawling innocuously across your rug, get that mug of holy water your Grandma Schpadnik gave you.

6.      Mars colonies will be backdrop for reality TV show!

Tired of all the landfills stinking up your neighbourhood?

Hate walking on the beach and stepping into a backwash of vintage-unknown poop and dead whale sperm?

Mars One, a Dutch team, has just the thing for you! Mars- it’s a whole new world, literally!


Instead of nuking all our junk and creating a radio-active dead-zone over half the known world, entrepreneurs have started building the foundations to sustaining life on another(possibly inhabitable) planet. And our closest neighbour, Mars, falls the first victim.


The team has built small self-contained shelters to protect from the heat, cold and lack of atmosphere on Mars. They’re also developing self-sustaining farms and water supplies. Plus you get to watch a reality show about the first explorers on Mars! Unless it’s the hoax many believe it to be.

(Elon Musk, co-founder of PayPal, has also invested in a mars colonization plan.)


So, basically we’ve junked our planet so badly that we have to start formulating an escape plan. BAD humans.

BUT, yay for space travel! Space science rocks!

Y’know, ‘cause it’s mostly about balls of gas and rocks?

*An endangered, six-legged panda just died because of my bad joke.*


Side note- we could just shoot all our junk and a few nearly extinct species out into space to save money and time…but I guess it’s about time we get to the space age that sci-fi authors have been predicting for so long.

7.      Black Holes is Time Machinesez!

If you’re like me, you’ve forgotten your fair share of anniversaries and birthdays…and other things you still can’t remember.

So a potential time machine that could save husbands a few black eyes and painful bruises might look attractive.

Unfortunately, it ain’t real. You’re just gonna havta rely on that techy-backward phone calendar


BUT due to space-time bends and particle physics, we know that things look different for objects placed JUST outside the event horizon (beyond which an object will be pulled into the black hole) and another within.


Although mostly a sci-fi hypothesis, it is believed that black holes might unlock the door to another dimension. We don’t know what that means exactly, cause we don’t know shit about black holes or what’s in them. We’d, Y’know, die if we tried entering them.

Complicated science aside, it means reality is not what it seems.

So all that glitters is not gold…it may just be vampire poop.

So… false advertising…sorry.

8.      Black holes are the REAL Mayan apocalypse.

See, you don’t need to worry about a stupid Mayan apocalypse scam. The stupid Mayans didn’t know what they were talking about!



Remember what I said about us not knowing shit about black holes?


To remedy this appalling lack of human ignorance, scientists have decided to use a particle accelerator (a giant tube into which scientists shoot rays of atoms) to create small black holes.


Now before you run screaming into a secret underground passage like a scared rabbit-savage, read-
The black holes disappear in a matter of seconds.


Of course, there’s the possibility that one of these muchachos will derive the will to survive, gobble our side of the Milky Way galaxy in one mouthful and let out a giant cosmic burp of gamma rays. That would be nature’s cruel irony. A way of saying, HAW! HAW!  Your own creation was your demise.


BUT… um, we might land up in a different dimension full of bird-fish and vampire pigs? Partial win for Twilight-ers,


So there's an end to odd discoveries from the last century. Got any? please share them in Le Comments Below. It's a real place.

PS- By now, you should probably know that this blog is never serious.
You are not going to die in a raging fiery tornado from Hell and our world is not as bad as we make it out to be.
Or maybe it is and our coping mechanism is to brush the bad stuff under a rug and live in complete denial of our own evil.
Because TRUE evil never admits its own evil-ness.